By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
If you want to be in a relationship, why do you want it? There are a number of unhealthy reasons for wanting a relationship, and these reasons often lead to relationship problems or divorce. The most common UNHEALTHY reason looks something like this:
“I want someone to love me. I didn’t get enough love as I was growing up and I want someone to give me what I didn’t get. I believe that this is what I need to be happy and to feel worthy and complete.”
People who want a relationship for this reason are generally very disappointed, because if they are not loving themselves, their partner’s love cannot fill the empty place within that comes from self-abandonment.
What are the HEALTHY reasons for wanting to be in a relationship?
1. To Share Love and Caring
There is a huge difference between wanting to get love and desiring to share love. The unhealthy reason above indicates that the person is abandoning themselves — that they have not yet learned to love and value themselves.
When you take responsibility for doing the inner work to learn to love and value yourself, you become filled up with love to share, and it is fulfilling to share your love with a partner. Caring about another person feels very rewarding when you are also caring about yourself. One of the greatest joys in life is the sharing of love, and two people who love and value themselves and share their love and caring with each other are able to experience this deep joy and intimacy.
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